Are you in a relationship where you feel like you have to do something different because of your past sexual history? Does your partner blame you for the people that you were with in the past? Have you been through some kind of trauma and your partner is using this to try to blame you or make you feel bad for what you did?
If you answered yes to any of these things, it can be a painful time you are going through. Someone that you love should never try to shame you or make you feel bad with what you have done in your past, but if this is happening, you are not alone. You need to find someone that is there for you to love you, respect you and take care of you, no matter what you did in your past.
You have something that has been with you since you were born and something that only belongs to you and that is your sexuality. Whatever you feel about it or whatever place it holds in your life, it is up to you and not to your family, friends, or your partner.
The choices that you made are yours and so are your mistakes. You have to learn to forgive yourself and to take care of who you are. This can all happen as you learn to deal with your past emotions, and you realize that you are not the only one to blame. You should never feel that you have to take the blame for something that someone did to hurt you.
When you are with someone, you should be open with them and share things about your life and your past. This is what helps you to have a good relationship with someone. When you have been together for a long time, you have to understand that people will have feelings and will want to share what they are thinking, and this is good, as long as it is done in a respectful manner.
It is never okay for your partner or anyone in your life to make you feel ashamed of what happened to you or who you were in your past. They should never:
- Shame you for your loss of virginity.
- Not trust you because of your past.
- Make you feel that they need to forgive you even when they were not in your life then.
- Tell you that you have been dirty.
- Bring up your past and not let it go.
- Make you feel that rape or assault was your own fault.
- Make you feel that you are not trustworthy because of your sexual experiences.
- Make you feel that you owe them because of what you did in the past.
If any of these things are happening to you, you need to ask yourself these questions:
- Do you have to be careful so you do not say something that your partner will use against you?
- Do you feel insecure about your past because your partner and what they say to you?
- Does your partner bring up your past all the time?
- Do they try to control who you talk to?
- Does your partner make you wear certain things?
- Does your partner call you names and make you feel worthless?
- Does your partner make you feel that you need to change your values or morals?
- Does your partner try to make you feel better or worse when you are upset?
If you feel that your relationship will only work if you could go back in time and change what happened, then you need to figure out if you want to stay in that relationship or not. Being in a healthy relationship means that you have to make a choice to start fresh and to have respect, trust, honesty, and communication with them.
Everyone has their own past and past experiences and if your partner does not understand that the past stays in the past then you might need to move forward. If your partner is abusing you emotionally, sexually or shaming you, talk to someone or seek professional help.